Ok. My mind was wandering today. In a million different directions. As per usual.
Wandering and pondering.
Nothing as deep as the meaning of life. Just the little things.
And things that bug me.
Somethings that has been bothering me for a long time. Let's just call it....
My chatterbox syndrome. I talk. Apparently a lot. And apparently too much for other people's liking.
I've heard the comments about me. Some spoken in my presence. Thinly disguised as a joke. Harmless teasing. Or so they think.
I have a thin skin. Shocker!
The jokes, the teasing, the comments. They hurt.
No one likes criticism. I don't care who you are. Constructive? Says who? Pssshaw.
I think everyone wants to believe that the way they conduct themselves is socially correct. Navigating thru life is hard and we all make our best effort to conform and survive. So when you hear the comments, it's like "Hey! Wait! I'm a nice person. I'm not hurting anyone. I think I'm acting politely. Why are you criticizing me?"
That's why I think it hurts so much.
Trying so hard. Trying to be good. Be kind. Thoughtful. Helpful. Friendly. Polite. Loving.
Thinking I got it right.
And then...POW! Nope. I don't. I talk too much. I bother people.
Goes against the grain of being socially acceptable and fodder for teasing. Fair game. Ssssh!
My husband. My parents. My friends. My children. They've all brought me to task for yakking it up too much. Husssssh!
So what did I do to address their complaints?
Well, there've been times I just clammed up. Talked in 2-3 word sentences. One word responses. Yes. No. Don't know. Hi. Bye. - You know, kept it brief.
And you know what happened next, don't you? Can you guess?
I heard: "What's the matter?" "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet?"
Duh. You can't have it both ways, right?
I speak. You don't like it.
I zip my lips. You don't like it.
I can't seem to win.
I just want to be myself. I don't want to conform, make myself into what others would have me be.
I grew up in an atmosphere of "go with the flow" "don't make waves" or face being ostracized - pushed away - made fun of - bullied. I hated it. It's wrong. It's mean.
As a result, I shrunk inside. I pulled away from everyone. Family. Friends. Society. Some mistook it for being stuck up. Nope. Just plain shy. Introverted. As in leave me alone to sit in my little corner and I won't bother or burden anyone .
But as I got older I saw that what I was doing was wrong. I had been silenced by the dictates of others. And I was not being my authentic self. Why couldn't I just be me?
I began to see that everyone has a right to individuality. To be their own person. I try to live that way now. I want to be me. To be accepted for being me. And not teased or shunned because I talk. And talk.
I like conversation. I have a lot to say. And I also like to hear what others have to say. It's like fuel to me. It energizes my mind. I soak up info like a sponge. I'm not a gossip and I try to never speak ill of others. No, I'm like a computer - NEED INPUT. All that useless trivia. Anything - famous people, sports, politics, entertainment, art, history, science, music, pop culture, books, cars, animals, travel, today's headlines, current events, health matters, the weather - It clutters my brain. And I love to discuss it with others.
So, please don't make fun of me.
Please don't turn away or stare off into space to shut me out.
Please don't roll your eyes.
Please do talk to me.
Please do listen to me.
I have something to say.