Where Do I Fit In?

Talking to my career counselor has been an eye opener. I've done some soul searching. And researching. I'm beginning my job hunt with the aim of getting a job where I'll be happy. Comfortable. In other words, a good fit.
Of course, we'd all love to find a job that fits our wish list of "got to haves". And I'm well aware that with this economy and the lack of jobs out there, my chances of finding the "perfect" job that fits all my criteria is probably very slim.
One of the criteria I've been asked is what role do I feel most comfortable in at work. A leader? A follower? Or a collaborator?
I think I can safely eliminate "leader". I've never at all felt comfortable in that role. I'm too shy, and have always suffered from low self esteem. So no way would I want to be thrust into that position at work. Where all eyes would be on me. Ugh! No way! I think the only aspect of leader that is enticing to me is the prospect of recognition, raises and promotions.
A follower? Well, sometimes. It's so much easier to be a follower. With someone else being the leader, there isn't much pressure or stress on the follower. But then again, the follower will probably never be recognized for their work. It's usually the leader who gets all the credit for a job well done. So by being a follower, don't be surprised when you are overlooked time and again when its promotion time or time for a raise. Followers don't get noticed. And they don't get as much respect as the leaders.
And there's collaborator. I think that's me. Though I'm more of a lone wolf at work, I like being part of a team sometimes. When we're all working on a common goal. And everyone is equally responsible for their part of the project. If the members of the group are the right mixture and all on the same page, there's usually an energy that electrifies everyone to continue to pull the project together to a successful conclusion. I like being part of that. And I think I make a very good teammate.
How about you? What role are you the most comfortable in? And why?

Writing - I'm a Pro

I've been working on a resume. Make that a few different resumes. (I'm giving myself a better chance at employment by heading down a few paths hence the need for more than one.)

Part of creating this 8½ x 11 personal billboard is highlighting my skills. What do I do best? Tough question since I'm my own worst critic so it's hard to look at myself and say "Gosh, aren't I great at this?".

So I got in the imaginary "way back" machine and took a long look at all the jobs I've ever had to see what stands out. I thought about what I loved to do at each job. And what my employers told me they thought was something I was very good at.

And there it was.......writing. It stood out loud and clear. And if I go back even further (ahem....back to the stone age period of my youth) i remembered how much I loved my English classes and the "writing" projects and homework. Yah, I know. Such a nerd, right? But I adored words. The dictionary. Adjectives. Prepositions. The thesaurus fascinated me. Sentences. Paragraphs. Grammar. Spelling. Poetry. Essays. Short story. No composition was off limits.

Heavens, I salivate over blank notepads and comfy jumbo grip medium blue ink pens. My hands just start itching to fill the paper with WORDS!

Each job I've had gave me lots of opportunity to write. Draft letters. Briefs. Contracts. Data Requests. Investigative reports.

The opportunity to write was there. But therein lies the problem: I was writing for someone else. Writing for something else. Not for me. Not my thoughts. Not my point of view. I eventually developed writers block and haven't written for pleasure in many years.

But now is my time. I'm taking full advantage of this bump in my career road to finally write for me. What I want. Even if no one reads it. Even if no one likes it. And I've found that the block is lifted. I wake every day ready to fill the page. (Okay, so now its a blog page and not a notebook.) But hey! I'm thrilled!

Not sure how long this phase will last. For all I know, I'll soon be back in the 9-5 grind, pumping out the written word for someone else and the block will return. But I'll try my best to continue to hone my craft as long as I'm able. Because gosh, its something I'm good at. What I'm a pro at. 

Writing.

My Oldest Son

My goal for the month is to post daily. I'm not thinking that will be too hard since I've been enjoying the writing so far since I started this blog.

But now I'm away from home visiting family so my mind and priorities have shifted focus.

I'm lying in my hotel room unable to sleep. It's 4 a.m.

Hubby and number one son are asleep. Wish I could too. I'm a worrier. And right now I'm worried about my son. He's 34. Shouldn't I stop worrying? Does it ever stop?

I try. I do. But what I really want to do is pack up his things and bring him back home with me. Where I can love him. Protect him. And be with him more frequently than just the few times of the year I can visit him here.

I ask him if he's happy. He always says yes. I ask him if everything is ok. He always says yes.

Deep inside, I'm not sure I believe him. Mother's intuition?

Life hasn't been easy for him. Did he move away from home to truly be independent or did I push him away? Is he just saying he's happy and okay out of pride or to keep me from worrying?

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother for not keeping him closer where I can be there to support him. To help him.

I have 2 more days with him. Then I must leave. I know I'll be a mess for a while. Feeling like I'm abandoning him. Feeling like I'm not quite sure if he's okay or not.

Does the mothering worry ever end?