Sunday, December 2, 2012

My Oldest Son

My goal for the month is to post daily. I'm not thinking that will be too hard since I've been enjoying the writing so far since I started this blog.

But now I'm away from home visiting family so my mind and priorities have shifted focus.

I'm lying in my hotel room unable to sleep. It's 4 a.m.

Hubby and number one son are asleep. Wish I could too. I'm a worrier. And right now I'm worried about my son. He's 34. Shouldn't I stop worrying? Does it ever stop?

I try. I do. But what I really want to do is pack up his things and bring him back home with me. Where I can love him. Protect him. And be with him more frequently than just the few times of the year I can visit him here.

I ask him if he's happy. He always says yes. I ask him if everything is ok. He always says yes.

Deep inside, I'm not sure I believe him. Mother's intuition?

Life hasn't been easy for him. Did he move away from home to truly be independent or did I push him away? Is he just saying he's happy and okay out of pride or to keep me from worrying?

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother for not keeping him closer where I can be there to support him. To help him.

I have 2 more days with him. Then I must leave. I know I'll be a mess for a while. Feeling like I'm abandoning him. Feeling like I'm not quite sure if he's okay or not.

Does the mothering worry ever end?


  1. Kathy- I do not think the worrying will ever end. You will always worry and second guess yourself. You have done a wonderful job of raising the boys. Whenever I speak of my nieces and nephews it is always with pride and admiration and I tell everyone how great their parents are and I mean it. I know I do not have experience in this area, but I see how you have been so supportive of them as well as letting them find their way in this world, just like a mother bird lets her babies know it is time to fly and they love you for this...... You have let them fly....

  2. since DJ is only 9 i CANNOT imagine him moving away...but i know that it will happen some day, just like i did when i graduated from high school...the stress i must have caused my mother....sometimes we need to TRUST their words (although tough)...maybe he really is ok...

  3. Hi sis,
    Nancy here. No I cannot give you much advise. Just letting you know you are not alone. I get excited with anticipation thinking of visiting Jeremy. I have such a great visit.
    On the drive home I loose it. Then I cry. I mean the tears flow.
    We(moms) never stop. Our own mom worries about each of us.
    Love, Nancy

  4. thanks for the feedback, Jackie. I want to trust his words, i really do!
    comforting to know I'm not alone, Nancy. And yes, its times like this I think of Mom and wonder how much she may have hurt and worried each time one of us left home. nice knowing i'm part of a group of caring moms.
    Helen: i like your take on this by thinking of a momma bird letting her babies fly. i'll try to keep that in mind next time i start feeling miserable about the boys being so far from home.


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